Last night I sat up from savasana. Like directly from lying down after my practice, to rolling on to my side, to pressing myself up to “close to” a comfortable seat. I wanted to scream and shout and let everyone know about my accomplishment. I’m sure my OM was a bit heavy and overindulgent. i have not been able to do that since Devlin was born. In fact, there have been some sessions that I never made it at all into my “comfortable seat”. The pain would either take the breath away that I had just spent 1.5 hours refining, or incapacitate my transition from lying to sitting. But last night, I effing DID IT.
I have been working. Not as dilligiently as I wish I could, but as dilligently as I am able. I cross country ski with Crit. I was in the habit of 19 sun salutations a day…now i do one every hour on the hour…although that has recently morphed into push-ups and plank variations. I run when I can. I’ve been on my bike. I’ve quit beers a couple of times. I juice. I eat well (with an occasional overdose on bread and cheese). I’ve tried to embrace my role as La Madre… without a “job”, without an income…
Last night, sitting up, made so much seem worth it. I get it. It’s not about me right now. But, holy hell – something has to be about me. I can’t help them grow if I’m not growing….and I haven’t been able to identify major fields of growth within myself lately. That is kinda what I’ve hung my hat on for the past decade. I am a dynamic woman. Never allowing any dust to settle or any moss to grow. I’m suddenly (at least it feels kinda sudden) thrust into a different warped world. I think I might see the value in a little moss – it is rather exquisite to view, and I want my wee peeps to trust that I am reliable and constant…but it does not seem to suit me that well. I made a life commitment to growth long ago, and have held myself true to it. I realize, the trials and tribulations of each and everyday right now, are contributing to some sort of growth (I sure as hell have a new perspective on patience – which has irony since I’ve spent the past decade working with children diagnosed with ADHD).
I don’t want to just “make it till 8:00pm” every night. I want substance. I want accomplishment. I want this to be part of a bigger picture.
And it will be. I am confident. I must learn to trust my new patience. I must continue to find moments and opportunities as i have been. I must celebrate the successes. I must continue to grow….but if i accessorize with a smidge of vibrant green moss, that might be a rather fabulous outcome as well.