8pm

i am in a season of loving and loathing 8pm.

this is our tough time of year when we see very little of Jeremy…(Daddo…Deep Woods…)

the days are long. sometimes they start in the 5’s…most certainly the early 6’s. and there is little consistent napping…or even behind-closed-doors chilling without semi-regular check-ins. and there is Squawking Buffalo’s daily poop. which is dreadful. even at its best (and i believe its getting better) it is still a nasty part of every.single.day.

and whatever phase this is of Crit’s. where she will stand scream-crying and shouting “I DO want to (insert the most superfluous thing you can think of). I DON’T want to (ditto)! all in the same breath. all lasting an extraordinary amount of time. ending in “I… can’t…stop …crying! Help me take a deep breath, mommo!”

i get it. she is three. whatever that means (although it means a lot). but i’m learning that i’m not cut from the cloth that handles that situation, that repeats itself numerous times a day, with grace.

so when 8pm finally ticks into tock, i’m rubbish.

i have all these things i want to be doing. and after 8 is truly the only time i can right now. but i’m not.

it stays light till close to 10pm. on the nights that Deep Woods is home, i could hop on my bike, or run, or stroll about, or do this, or write all the letters to people that i have in my head, or paint, or stretch, or read a book…

but i haven’t been. i make a drink and sit in the hot tub with DW. and we chat and catch up and talk about everything and nothing. we watch the sky fade from blue to pinky-purple. we see the same stars emerge in the twilight sky each night. we watch the hummingbirds come to the feeder. i try not to tell him about the poop and the melt-downs. he tries not to tell me about the staff and glitches. but we do…at least a little bit. and we both get it. we are in the season of rough days. it was just easier when we were doing it together.

and i know how lucky i am. and i know how great i have it. and i don’t take any of it for granted.

i have those little wee peeps who are certainly challenging me into growth and grace.

and i have DW partnering with me…

i guess i’m just missing having me.