We are in the midst of one, of several, of our heavy transition seasons.
we lost DW to SOAR in mid-May. then all the end-of-school wrap up. then the graduations and last-days. then the 24-7ness that follows. the re-integration. the re-learning. re-testing of boundaries. the list of all thethingswewanttodobeforesummerisover, and the need to relax relax relax. on top of the planning, preparing, and executing three golden birthdays. while keeping Debul wrapped in a squeeze of love and attention at the same time.
we are not living the 6:30am wake-up – school – dinner – bed at 7:30pm routine. in fact, we are not living any routine at all. which truly suits my fancy…but certainly comes with more challenges.
i have suffered at the hands of severe executive disfunctioning my entire life. when i was in elementary school, i had to walk the four blocks back to school almost every afternoon because i left my glasses on my desk, or my homework in a crumpled heap inside it. i rarely turned in homework or even completed it. my room was always a wreck. one day, my dad taped a sign to the front of it that simply read “Chernobyl”. i was disheveled, disorganized, and dirty. i wore the titles “lazy” “irresponsible” and “does not perform to potential” like gangsta chains.
i KNOW that structure works best for me if i am driving to be productive and efficient. i KNOW that i can crush it when i am clear on what i need to do and can develop a plan to achieve it. yet, here i am, PREFERRING to wing it. preferring to be willy nilly and la-de-da. preferring to be my most authentic self. because summering the way we want to summer seems like the perfect balance to the school year. i love the opportunity to live in both frequencies.
i have shifted from trying to finding balance to seeking equanimity. living with structure is hard for me. primarily because i do not prefer it. living willy nilly is challenging for me, because with out a peg to hang my hat, i am prone to let it just fly with the wind. lucky for us, the summer affords us the opportunity to do just that. take it as it comes. the executive functioning stressors of summer culminate in the packing list and execution for camping and for east coast travel. totes manageable. especially since i’ve broken free from the chains of “lazy, irresponsible, and underachieving”.
both are challenging out here. what i know about myself though, is that i don’t associate hard, difficult, or challenging with BAD. none of it is bad. in fact, it is all pretty effing rad.
it is easy peasy to take each step, with my heart leading the way, filled with the ‘ol attitude-of-gratitude. ….(well. okay. not EACH step…i’m human…)
i don’t think we always have to be doing the same thing, actually i think we shouldn’t.
we can’t always be growing, we can’t always be stagnant, we can’t always be structured, we can’t always be loosey-goosey. we can’t always be striving for the next thing. we sometimes must just be.
i choose to mostly see what happens and take it from there. to notice where the path guides me, and to step confidently. to have constant and diligent awareness, and be at ease and at peace. to know that my intention is as true and as pure as i can muster, but to acknowledge that i sometimes eff up too.
my inter webs feeds are full of Tour Divide beta right now. and i’m in. ironically, not as IN as i was back when the homies were wee tiny folk, but in enough to check several times a day. tomorrow we we plan to go up on the race route and set up camp. we did it last year and it was a blast. both peeps were over-the-moon about the thought of returning to our spot to both adventure and to cheer on the racers in the middle and the rear of the pack.
willy nilly. loosey goosey. la de da. it’s how we wanna spend our summer. we are going to go after it like champs.
Crit: learn to do a cartwheel, headstand, handstand. and prepare a wildflower presentation to deliver at the Big Horn Sheep Center.
Debul: learn to ride a wheelie. to go to the White House and know what Washington DC is.
bbN: maybe i should learn how to do a handstand too. and perhaps i could learn how one becomes a writer…