I was charging up the hills, into the sunshine. my chest was crushing and there was intense effort involved in taking each breath. i was choking on emotion. over and over again. up each hill. through every stretch of shade.
although prepared, i was not ready.
i was supposed to be hanging out. with him. at that precise moment. the morning was for him and for me. finally.
wrote him a letter last week. was supposed to be reading it to him. instead, i’m focusing on feeling incredibly proud of the strength of his will to not be here to hear it. and i thought maybe that would happen when i wrote it. but it didn’t matter. because he knew.
we communicated. all the time.
We met at Kathy’s Coffee Shop, back when she was still next-door. Your were heckling Jacob, and i was amused. your clever speak and quick wit drew my attention. that was the spring of 2005. I was celebrating Thanksgiving (the first of a decade worth of holidays together) at your house by that Fall. the universe swallowed us up and we became intimate parts of each others’ daily life.
and i am grateful.
we both allowed ourselves to tangle up and embrace it as a gift. We had splendid adventures together…i have more inside jokes with you than with my middle school girlfriends…you constantly humor and amuse me… you challenge me… you ask me questions that help me articulate my thoughts…you have concern for my family and all my friends…and you always insist on dessert!
when my phone rings before 8:00am, i know you were up all night under the full-moon, thinking of how my life could be better – and you simply couldn’t wait to share. It typically began with “I know you will not consider my advise, but…” You see a life for me full of luxury, leisure, and abundance. and although that isn’t the life i’m trying to carve out for myself, i cherish that you believe i deserve that.
you validate my belief that family (both blood and chosen) is the most important, and the highest priority. my heart swelled for you the moment i saw Hank, and Margot, and Olivia at the Cowboy the other day. perfect. i had to swallow back the emotion of gratitude. i knew it was all you wanted before zonking out.
you are incredibly significant in my life.
Thank you for loving me the way that you do.
Thank you for allowing me to love you the way that i do.
The opportunity to share our relationship is on top of the list my life’s greatest fortunes.
i don’t want to attach myself to the thought of wishing for one more day. or berating myself for not playing it differently. for not getting “my last moment”. i’ve learned that is a decision you get to make. you choose what you attach to,what you hang on to, and for how long, before you let-it-go. i don’t want to hang on to any of it long enough to have to let-go-of-it. i choose to accept the things i cannot control.
i thought there would be more time. today. i thought there would be today. but even when he wasn’t in control, he took charge. and it is not about me. not even one little bit. i don’t have to wish i said one more thing. i said it all the time. i wrote notes all the time. he knew. and i knew. and that’s what we had.
we shared one great, amazing, fabulous, same-as-it-everwas kind of day together in December. and we both knew that was as good as it was gonna get. it was perfect. we were happy together. and real. and loving.
and the kids and Deep Woods and i spent a great morning with him in Jackson. Drinking espressos and devouring pastries. surrendering to the comfort of the goodness. to the comfort of love.
and the day before Christmas Eve, we went over with Shank. and i had my last visit. and it wrapped up with mango juice, dulche de leche, lemon pound cake, the satchel, a hug, and tears. some this-is-really-happening tears.
and we spoke on the phone in the hospital. and when i suggested he might enjoy the Penne Pesto for Christmas Dinner, he said they were just taking the remnants away. and commented about my ability to know.
there are kindred spirits and guardian angels floating all about. my favorites are the ones i have held in my heart as they transformed from one to the other.
when Jorge pulls his seat up next to any of the folk looking down on me, there will be a good time had. and i will be held in the best hands and the best care. of that i am certain.