My last go at it alone

Deep Woods had an early departure. He scooped Crit up from Kindergarten, had Box with him already, and plugged his way home through the windy wind and the blowing snow.

The side-by-side is kinda like me. it has no fast to it. even after it warms up and cruises, and sounds the best its gonna sound, and drives the best its gonna drive…its never gonna be doing much more than pleasantly plug along. and sometimes it gets real dramatic on an uphill or in deep or wet snow. and it tries to get all whiggity-whack. and i realize that i am operating a convoluted machine. it does not come as natural as operating a bike…which also does not necessarily come naturally to me either.

i’m doing this every day…sometimes twice per day…except Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. When i had the chance to just.stay.put.

and it was glorious. and it was a wee bit of a sneak peek into what next year may hold for me. not that i’m rushing to get there. today, with Box was uber-rad. our morning ride was fun and everyone was having a great time…no one seemed to notice that it was sleeting and raining and slushing the entire ride to town. they were both too distracted by being the “swiper” and operating the windshield that there was not a single negative note attached to the circumstance.

once we deposited Crit at Kindergarten with hugs and kisses and good tiding, we nestled in at the coffee shop for a prolonged transition and a reminder that our lives are connected to others, and quite happily so.

Box made efforts to communicate everywhere we went. he’s getting so good at it. he’s pretty suave…and his efforts are successful…and his successes build confidence… and his confidence is elevating him.

we journeyed home after a few errands and celebrated our day together. we acknowledged that we don’t really have too many left. so we breathed together. and put 3 puzzles together. and stretched together. and explored time and space together. and laughed. and ate snacks. and took our first stroll through the kindergarten sight words together. we put olives on our pizzas at lunch, and bowed to each other before we departed for 30 minutes of personal, private “quiet time”. when i checked in on him he was fully immersed in a story taking place at the Bar-B&B.

It takes 45 minutes to an hour to get to town for us right now.

we never are 100% certain we are going to make it coming or going in either direction. this winter, i have been doing it intensively on my own. and i have grown.

in my 20’s i gave up worrying and rushing. like permanently. and i’ve stuck to it.

living here. this winter. alone…(most of the time) responsible for not just myself, but the growth and healthy development of the two most important human beings i’ve ever known on this planet, has provided the most consistent practice in managing any anxiety. in Yogas Chitta Vritti Nirodaha. in gently silencing all the self-limiting and self-negating energies that ever swirled in my system. i belong here. now.

if i’m peaking at 62, and the bike ride was just a blip on the trajectory, this season spiked the graph.

The strength that i’m endeavoring to soften, the edge i practice to bevel, and the grace i hope to manifest, lies in these experiences. i know that.

funny…i heard from two peeps this week that each recommended books to read. one about the early homesteaders of this region (barely 100 years ago!) and the other about arctic and antarctic exploration. it validated to me that this is a year for the books. for the history books, for the memoirs, for the novels…

so often this season, i have felt like a character in a wild story….only i don’t know how to tell it. i don’t know how to convey the epic nature of the world we have chosen as normal.

This is my last week of doing this on my own for the season. unless you count turkey hunting in April, which i don’t…cause if it sucks bad enough, we can live in the camper trailer in town for the week by then. and ride bikes everywhere!!!!

i don’t know where i’m going. i just know where i’ve been.  i am not worried. i am not rushed. i am faithfully journeying on the cosmic highway that continues to light up each next step…as long as i stay aware.

sometimes, when i look (because i am) flabbergasted, DW smiles and says, “you wanted a challenge.”

i don’t disagree.

i did. and we nailed it. i am incredibly grateful for this once-in-a-lifetime experience.





One thought on “My last go at it alone

  1. “in my 20’s i gave up worrying and rushing”. Lucky you! I only recently did this, in my 50’s, after retiring, and boy do I wish I had figured this out much earlier in life! It has been interesting too. Some friends used to my previous way of being have a hard time accepting my new, much happier and more relaxed way of being. C’est la vie.

    Liked by 1 person

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