why?

Originally posted: May 26, 2016

i thought i have been wrestling with this question since the inception of this  idea.

i was wrong.

it was kindly and gently pointed out to me by a new friend. a friend i have grown toknowandlove only since madre-hood. a friend who has been listening. and paying attention. and actively participating as a character in the story. and writing her own story too.

it went like this:

img_0807

 

and she nailed it. she’s pro at that.

that’s what i’ve been saying, right? i’m on an upward trajectory to 62. That’s when all my cosmic star dust will offer me the bouyancy and grace to wear the coveted title of Liquid Bliss.

i set it in motion. i must play it out.

the notion of this in 2013 was impossible. truly impossible.

impossible…imppposible….immmmpossible….iiiimpossible…i’mmmpossible…i’m possible…holy shit i should try to do this? i can do this. can i do this? i can’t do this, but i’m gonna say out loud that i can.

to participate in the trajectory i set for myself, i must give it a whirl at impossible things.

it is possible to plow your way through the first 6 of 13 miles into town at 5am every Tuesday and Thursday morning, hop out of the truck, bang through the ice to remove the tire chains in -12 degrees…while lying on your back blanketed by black sky dotted with a bazillion stars…for 1 or maybe 2 students to come to yoga class…a net gain of negative financially…bazillions karmically.

it is possible to travel alone with two infants, or an infant and a toddler, or two toddlers. in a car or on a plane. it is possible. and an adventure. every time. and worth it.

it is possible to create things, that have worth or value to someone else. it is possible to sell the things that you make. and make your things with love.

it is possible to teach yoga. to take something that seemed so private and personal for many years, and share it out loud with others. it is possible. vulnerable and possible.

it is possible to put together a couple of playlists that are authentic and ride bikes indoors with people and simply suggest that they may or may not want to stand, and may or may not want to increase the intensity…. weird…but possible.

it is possible to train alone. with consistent inconsistency. in all conditions. in all terrain. on skis, on snowshoes, on foot, on-a-hunt, on a bike…it is possible to not consider it training…just living…the m.effing dream!

It is possible to be supported by a team that brought itself together from 4 decades worth of friendsandfamily, peopleandplaces, who believe in this for me. humbling. and incredibly awesome. i am floating off the ground with gratitude. i know it will help. it already has.

it is possible to be up against all your former selves. all your old-selves. all the shit you’ve shed because it turns out it was no longer serving you. all the self-limiting, self-negating, self-absorbed, worthlessness.

it is possible to connect to your buddhi. intimately. possible and powerful.

WHY THEN THIS EVENT?

When my sister was getting married, the bridesmaids banded together to get her a vaccuum cleaner. i donated. and felt so weird.

cause when i got married, my closest peeps gifted me a bicycle. and it was the best piece of marriage advice i received. and the best antidote to suffering. it brought me the joy that i knew was possible.

it’s virgin extended-mile voyage was through the Medicine Bow forest into Steamboat. the plan was to celebrate our first anniversary in Steamboat together, and then Deep Woods would head back to Wyoming, while i pedalled myself on my first (and only) bike tour. from Steamboat to Boulder, through Rocky Mountain National Park. 2010.

the night before our first anniversary, we went out for steak dinner in Steamboat. DW put a hold on the after dinner martinis because he was certain i was pregnant.

he was right.

and a day later, he headed back to Wyoming in his Pathfinder, and i headed toward Boulder on my 30 lb allbyitsownself Salsa Fargo. i had great company for Rabbit Ears Pass – my first mountain pass. i dug it in all the ways i thought i would. except i couldn’t drink beers. and that felt like a strange way to end a day of riding a bike. I had 4 days alone (Betty in my belly) on my bike over high mountain passes in some Rocky Mountain fall weather to process and reconstruct my world into one that had a baby in it.

DSC_0925
Heading out of Steamboat. with Crit. 9.20.2010

i was consciously participating in many things new and outside my zone during the bike adventure. and the cosmic highway lit up for me in ways that would be difficult for most people to believe. The experience was incredible.

i got a wee taste before my world was rocked into smithereens. I felt like myself.

so there’s that….and:

  • i am rather pro at camping. at living outside. in all conditions: all temperatures, all terrains…………
  • i am a problem solver. it is both what i love to do and what i am great at. As Sheryl Sandberg has recently shared with the world, “when plan A isn’t available, kick the shit out of plan B.” no duh. been rocking that one for a long while. winning.
  • i have been blessed with the sturdy legs of irish-potato-farmers. i have been bred to endure. and i have been raised with gratitude. our clan is strong. mother-effing-strong. i represent all their strengths…and the weaknesses too.
  • and i have their backing and their blessing…and i needed it
  • it seemed IMPOSSIBLE. it seemed like there was no real way that my beer loving self could pull it off.

yet there was one final thing i wrestled with…selfishness. that this experience is not at all altruistic. that i am in it only for myself.

and this week, i came across some relevance in my newsfeed:

It was Elizabeth Gilbert saying that she was DONE explaining and defending selfishness. That she was  gracefully bowing out of all conversations that even intimated the word.

I leaned back and lifted my heart to the sky. Yes, E. Gilbert, you tell your people that shooting for self-actualization is not selfish! You’ve never been in my newsfeed before. and i won’t click on you because i’m not interested in spending any more minutes on the internet than i already do. today, i appreciated reading what you had to say. thanks.

It is Sunday night. I head east Saturday morning. I lost DW to SOAR a week ago. and Crit’s rainbow-birthday-party is Thursday.

it’s already on.

follow along: http://trackleaders.com/tourdivide16

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s