I spent the weekend with Mungbean. on a wee bit of a Jackson retreat vacation.
arrived Friday evening. and chatted the night away till the exhausting hour of 10. which pleasantly allowed for 9am yoga that kept me giddy all day long.
Mungbean’s peeps swarmed in the early afternoon and the paleo-vegan recipe cards were whipped out. veggies were chopped, stewed, roasted, pureed, served fresh,and drowned in mocktail-cocktails.
love was shared, and oozed about, and generously blanketed the mother-to-be (and all the women) in a wrap of shared experience.
i headed home with all my senses nourished. and i reflected over and over the impact the my relationship with Mungbean has had over the course of the 21 years we’ve known each other.
We met at a time in life that it was customary to ride on each others’ handlebars and share fake IDs to enter the inner world of Salty Mike’s after rugby practice. and we have remained true to that bond. only now we share pregnancy ups and downs and yoga postures and the amount of energy it takes to be your most authentic self.
and it got me to thinking about things….(everything gets me to thinking about things when i’m alone…)
several years ago, a friend i have known my ENTIRE life…was waxing and waning about the here and now and what it all means. we don’t spend much time together these years…a bi-annual visit perhaps and little quality- genuine time since we left the halls of high school and St. Joseph’s. but she turned to me while driving, and said
“You are lucky. You have always known who you are.”
Although she was far from the mark…i wondered what made her have that impression of me. i mean she knew-me-when. elementary school. middle school. high school…she knew me with my family and she knew me with my friends.
the more thought i’ve given it over the years since the remark…it seems the more appropriate statement might be:
i am lucky. it has never taken long to know what i’m not.
i certainly tried on several veils of identity that seemed more like dress rehearsal than crisis.
i have ALWAYS felt a major repulsion for anything that did not feel like an authentic fit. my intuition is strong and my tolerance for phony is thinner than rice paper.
i’m still working-out-the-why of this upcoming endeavor.
same friend who mentioned i-know-who-i-am was one of the first i let in on the idea of competing in this bike race. at the time, i had no WHY (still don’t have an articulate-able one) and she questioned:”Just because you can, does that mean you should?”
i don’t know if i can. truly. how can i?
and what determines what you SHOULD do?
this bike race is completely selfish. i get that loud-and-clear. there is no altruistic motive. i am not making the world a better place by competing in this event.
but i am living in accordance to the standard i set for myself long ago.
to make it to Tuscon in 28 days, i will have to accomplish what i consider to be extraordinary.
i don’t have a fabulous human-interest story. i’m just showing up. for an event that seems to suit me. with the support of many people who have set wind to the sails of my dream that i quietly whispered with soft breath when i was in the pits of living at home with two infant children.
I sewed up some shamrock shirts for the peeps for St. Patrick’s Day. i was working on it during “quiet time” today. the peeps kept coming up and busting in. i let them know that it was part of the St.Patrick’s Day deal…along with a new baseball cap.
Crit replied ” So…who comes for Aunt Patrick’s Day?”
i said “nobody…it’s just us, and Gabe this year.”
she continued… “No. Like who comes at night to bring us something?”
and instantly i am brought back to the moment. to my reality. going on this bike ride is a distant and foreign thought when i am up-to-my-armpits in real-life.
and maybe that’s what it is. motherhood fits…ish….
i’m looking to toss a couple of other things on that fit-ish too.
dream your life…live your dream.