ANXIETY EVE


This morning i woke up with my feathers-in-a-fluff. i promise you, that is not my standard entry to most new days.

Deep Woods departs mañana morning for 2 weeks in Costa Rica.

No Sweat, right?

Hardscrabble and La Madre have partnered up to crush this before.

when they were 2 and 3. Squawk was in diapers(ish) and Crit was herself. i learned that year to drive the plow truck. i learned that year to teach some yoga. i learned that year to practice self-care and define what that meant for then. i learned that despite hanging my hat on the virtue of patience for over a decade…that hook no longer held my cloche.

one winter morning that year, DW was Deep-in-a-Jungle while i was out here. We all had the stomach bug and had been cooped up for a week. Except for the daily plow run…we always made sure of that.

one morning we were scheduled for swim lessons…2 hours away. we desperately needed to get out of the house, so i was determined to make-it-happen.

It was -26 degrees. i loaded us all up in the plow truck at 6:45am (for a 9:30 swim lesson in Lander). We plowed our way out the driveway, only to lose a windshield wiper…and not have a spare in the truck. From the driveway, it is still another 6 miles to where we can switch vehicles from the plow truck with 4 chains, to the 4 wheel drive, chainless townie truck.  It is impossible to plow without windshield wipers…in fact, i’m still not sure how it is managed WITH windshield wipers. we turned around to come back home. i thought, no sweat…plan B. …always crushing plan B….just get the side-by side and take it to the truck. bravo me. hero-of-horsecreek….only the side-by-side won’t start, because (remember i mentioned) it was -25 degrees (it was warming up!)    plan C. shit. i rarely have to resort to plan C. ….i crashed back in to the house and Crit and Squawk are lying on their backs with their legs up on the couch.

20150308-150024.jpg
i stopped to reprimand them for not being ready to battle-the-elements. i demanded to know what they were doing. and Crit responded “we are belly breathing and calming down because we don’t know how to solve your problem”.   of course.   of course.    within the next three belly-breaths, i remembered seeing a spare windshield wiper blade in an obscure place. found it. changed it. loaded up my homies. plowed my way to Drifter Flats, took the chains off the truck. Shank had an Americano ready for me on may way through. and we made it to swim lessons on time. NAILED IT!

and now they are 4 and 5. and now, DW takes them into town, in the dark hours, 4 days a week. and now we have more snow than i can describe in the limited eskimo-snow thesaurus that i have. there is no place left for it to go. i got the plow all whiggity-whack twice yesterday on the way home. and today, shoveling snow, i have to squat down to pick up a load with my legs, turn myself so that i can get the momentum of a javelin tosser, and launch the snow as far as i can. cross-fit, schmoss-fit.

it wasn’t until this afternoon, several pounds into the second ton of snow i’ve scooped up this month,  that i could identify clearly why i was frizzle-frazzled. i felt the same way i did the night before the bike ride. anxious. but ready. knowing that it is outside of how strong i am…but absolutely how strong i want to be. acknowledging that it is perhaps, extreme. yet knowing that i will take the care to keep it moderate. full of comfort and full of joy. why should that be reserved for the holidays? standard of living, i reckon.

While DW journeys hither and yon this winter, us Macaroni Piggies will make use of our special time together. We will go in to town twice per week, Mondays and Wednesdays. and we will run Moose Willow Academy on the days we don’t. Homies came up with the schedule at dinner. First order of business is to create a daily pledge.

one thing i often thought about on the bike ride was wishing i could write about it, yet knowing that i absolutely did not have the energy to do it well each and everyday. i wrote in Whitefish, and i wrote when i returned home-sweet-home.

i commit to writing about this extremely moderate experience each night for the next two weeks. this is the time that the Hero of Horse Creek established the Moose Willow Academy.

stay tuned.

2 thoughts on “ANXIETY EVE

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s