i cried tonight.

a seldom occurrence for me.

i was not even aware that i was sad.

i was driving the side-by-side back from Drifter Flats, in the dumping snow. It was bedtime for the wee peeps, but DW got the plow truck stuck in our driveway, so we had to load up in the side-by-side to get the Tundra to pull it out.

i was supposed to be at Art Night. the first chance i had to spend time with my friends since October.

then i started thinking about it more. I have not been further than Jackson since our trip to the Carolinas in September. since then, DW has been to New Orleans, Salt Lake, Southern California, Costa Rica, and is headed back to Cali on Friday. and when he is home, he rarely misses Tuesday Pong night.

i don’t even have my once-a-week evening yoga class this season. I AM IN IT.

Ami’s birthday ski to Brooks Lake is this Saturday, and i cannot go. I cannot think of a single person that i could ask to watch the wee peeps for an entire day.

and it all made me incredibly sad.

earlier today, before the tears welled up in my eyes, i was far from sad. i was quite proud. in fact, i referred to myself as a bad ass inside my head all afternoon. a m. effing bad ass.

i attempted to drive Box home at lunch time. i got sucked into a “wind row” and got the truck majorly stuck. i hopped out, assessed the sitch, and put a chain on one of the back tires. i was wearing jeans (another seldom occurrence). i put it in 4-Low and somehow managed to drive the truck sideways up a hill. Once i got to a flattish spot, i put the other chain on so i could make it home. Once i crested the hill, i realized there was no way i was making it home. i turned around, and headed back to town.

for about a half mile before i got stuck, however, my inner dialogue was screaming with cheer “you are so bad ass. look at you go! i can’t believe you are even attempting this. you got this. you’re doing it!” and once i was pointed back in the direction of town, i patted myself on the back with the similar affirmations.

even with the tears blurring my view of the snow falling against the black night, i did not wish for a different circumstance. i would not trade this experience in for anything. i absolutely love living out here like this.

i often discredit how difficult and challenging it is. i practice letting-go-of-things with great frequency. tonight i was just able to acknowledge that it is HARD. being married is hard. being a parent is hard. not having a job is hard. living on the other side of the country from your family is hard. missing your friends is hard. doing it all by yourself is really really hard.

i put a lot of value on being solution-focused. if something gets me down, i usually whack that mole straight away. this is not a mole i wanna whack.

i’m just gonna sit with it tonight. let myself be sad. not judge myself for feeling it. not attempt to fix it. just be.

i’ll probably go out now and help DW dig out the truck. we were unable to pull it out with the Tundra. then i’ll take a hot shower and go to bed.

tomorrow will be a new day. i know i won’t feel the same when i wake up. i know i’ll send my wee peeps off to school and get started on shoveling the foot of snow that has fallen today. i won’t be sad about it. i’ll be grateful to be outside. i’ll be grateful that my workouts don’t happen in a gym. i’ll be grateful that this epic winter season we are experiencing will be one the peeps will never forget. that i will never forget.

tomorrow i will be back to being grateful. and maybe i’ll go back to being a bad ass.