Can’t Be All Roses i Reckon

When La Madre is in charge, things seem rather terrific. Firing on all cylinders. nearing Optimal Performance.
i eat well
i sleep well
i love well
i exercise
i breath deeply
i breath enough fresh air
i drink enough water
i clean up along the way and no clutter collects
i appreciate
i make time
i accomplish
i shave my legs
i walk with a spring in my step and a smile on my face

She does not show up everyday. Even la Madre needs a day off now and then.
 i just wish i could step up to the plate when she’s not around. sometimes i do. sometimes i get up there and just lay down a bunt…or i allow myself to get hit by a pitch just to get to first base with minimal effort. 
in all honestly though, sometimes i don’t. sometimes i get a backwards K – on purpose it seems. i sabotage La Madre just for the sake of it. i watch perfect opportunities go by, and do nothing. i swing at others knowing that they are all wrong. and at the end of the day, i feel like it was just wasted. just want to go to bed after Critter does so the day can end and i can start fresh tomorrow.

today was kind of like that i guess. got a bit of work done in the morning (which was crucial, so no big accolades there). once Critter woke up from her morning nap though…i feel like i have been in some alternate universe.  when she is awake, i just kind of hang out and watch her do her thing. she isn’t much for interactive play, so i try to accomplish tasks that don’t require much thought so that i can keep vigilant and entertained at the same time. so the dishes are put away. and i checked my email and facebook frequently enough to feel like a loser. took field trip to town and field trip to Franko’s for hang and Jep!  Had a lovely hot shower and a great and necessary yoga session in front of the woodstove. and that helped – for certain.

Sometimes it just isn’t smooth…and it gets downright ugly.

but i made bad choices too. i felt nauseated all morning. so i ate toast with butter and honey and cinnamon (who am i kidding, i have that almost everyday). when i still did not feel well an hour or so later, i had a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. not off to a great nutritional start. i did make up for it slightly at lunch with leftover kabobs that tasted great, but did not exactly agree with me. i did not get enough fresh air (it was cold and cloudy and windy – so i used Critter not enjoying that weather as my excuse to not do anything outside). I could easily have ridden my bike with her to watch Jeopardy!…but i chose not to. I could easily have had two pieces of pizza at dinner, but instead i swung for three. i had two cups of coffee this morning, one in town, and another at home. and instead of water at lunch, i had iced tea. i did drink water – but clearly not enough. my mouth is now dry and my lips are chapped.

i’ve been feeling gross and fat for the past week or so. i realize that i’m pregnant, but i know what it feels like to be fit and pregnant, and i am feeling gross and fat. and that is all it takes to start the downward spiral. La Madre combats it. She is strong and committed and follows through with what she knows to be best – even when (especially when) she does not feel like it or feels fat and gross. i definitely undermined her today. i behaved like an assistant you dread. the kind that when you take the day off work there are more problems to solve and fires to put out when you get back than you could ever dream of.

tomorrow is a new day. although already set up for a difficult day to triumph (travelling over to Jackson for Sprout’s ultrasound plus other appointments. Franko coming with me as my Au Pair). No time for exercise really. Four hours in the car (at least).

 i will get it back together.

perhaps just acknowledging my part in the sabotage will help me to not swing at the balls and watch the strikes go by. i just need to connect.

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