just a scoffed up stone

A year ago, when i returned from the desert, i titled my report “One Polished Marble” the description was both adequate and appropriate.

recently, as in for several months now, i feel like i just keep missing-the-mark…by enough error that it has become a habitual pattern.

i’m kinda shooting for something, but land somewhere else entirely. and i exhale and surrender and acquiesce to the circumstance and condition.

that’s been going on for a while. i surrender. maybe too quickly. i am not cut of martyr cloth. when do i stand taller? when do i defend? how long before i counter attack?

“Be Sweet to Yourself” some of the yoga folk say. and it makes me wanna kick them in the face. (wait…that’s not being cool or being kind).

i know. it is neither cool nor kind nor moderate. and i believe in the health associated with the moderate road…..but even moderation need moderation.

and sometimes the extremes come to the surface. i’ve had a wave  of intense insecurity swallow me up in its undertow lately.

“who the eff do you think you are to pull off a feat like this?”

“get yourself ready to spin your failure into a nice lessons-learned package so you can swallow it…and sell it to others as success.”

“you have been a part of many terrific teams, but, you-yourself, have never done anything remarkable.”

and i still have no concrete WHY.

lots of causes pile up…but no articulable WHY.

today a TimeHop appeared with Crit in the Chariot with the ski attachment. from 3 years ago….it was our first day out on skis without her in my backpack. we both looked way pumped!

and today i scooped the homies up in town and rode them out to the end of the ‘ment. with my bike partially loaded. and it felt fabulous.

and i was reminded  loud-and-clear part of the why.

i just wanted to make sure that my days of stay-at-home-madrehood kept me in a zone of growth. i have seen and heard enough warnings about “losing yourself” in parenting, that i was certain i did not want that to happen to us. i wanted all the challenges to offer me a channel of productivity.

Up all night? sweet! you will nail that part of the race.

Trying to climb to the top of a hill with melting down infants? rock on! you will brush off the pelting hail because you are tough…and hail does not whine.

If i weren’t anxious, i would be a pure clown.

now i have the final hurdles…calm the anxiety, gain a bit of control over my nervous system, train like Rocky, and FIND EQUANIMITY! i mean….find equanimity…

so this year was my 4th annual Swellness Retreat. i’ve gone down every spring since the kids have been born. and leah has met up with me. and i typically come back transformed.

and this year was a wee bit different. i am shawled in this mist of anxiety. and i know i need to shake it. i know better. i know that i registered for this event because it seemed perfectly suited for me. much like rugby did. much like SOAR did. much like Jeremy did…

less than two months. inhale strength. exhale surrender.

i can’t imagine a day when i choose to “be Sweet to Myself”…but i imagine a life where i honor myself each and every day. i am living that one. it doesn’t always leave me a polished marble…sometimes i’m just a scoffed up stone.

 

 

 

 

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